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Let's tell some stories. Now, this first story. . . The first bit of this story you should already know, in the same way that you know things like, don't kill people, try not to rape. When you're on an airplane, there's a thing called plane etiquette, and it goes like this. Window gets an arm rest and a wall. Middle gets two arm rests. Isle gets an arm rest and a little bit of extra leg. We're not fucking animals, we live in a society. So I was on a flight from Los Angeles to Houston, I had the middle seat and that sucks balls. So I'm sitting there with two arm rests.
Next to me is a petite young lady, she's doing her job, arm rest wall, I'm in the middle, two arm rests. Sitting next to me here is a great big black man, who's as gay as the day is long. He sits down next to me and we do the niceties. Hello, hello. And then with no issue whatsoever, he sees my elbow there, and he just went, chock, and I went. . . Now I'm pretty upset, but he's a big fucking guy and it's a long flight, so there's no need to get into an argument. So I have that argument that you have in your head, where the other person doesn't know you're having an argument.
Where you're like, you're a fucking asshole, and if you said this, then I would say, well good sir, I think you're mistaken. So I sit there festering for like 45 minutes, and eventually the air stewardess comes with a drink cart. Now why am I on air stewardesses, right? Whenever you watch a movie set in the 60s and they show air stewardesses, or an old TV show, that show like Pam Am or something, they always depict air stewardesses as these hot young things with a pillbox hat and a little bun and big tits and a small waist and holding a bag, going. . . I don't think any of those women have retired.
Yes, this thing was just being propped up by the drink cart. 50 years of recycled air had made her skin drip off her skull like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. She comes up, the guy reaches over for his drink and his pretzels, armrest open, bang, I'm back in. And I'm not fucking going anywhere either. He puts all of his things down in his tray and he goes to put his elbow back, but he fucking can't, can he? He can't, because there's a wall there called Jim Jefferies and he can't fucking move it, right? And he's pushing, he's pushing, and I'm acting like I can't feel it like this, but casual like, like. . .
Then he gets his fist like this and his hand like that and he's pushing really hard back, and I'm trying to do that casual. But he's much bigger than me and eventually I have to give in and I just went, chock. So I turned to him and said what needed to be said. Why are you such a cunt? Now I understand that that word in this country isn't as popular as maybe it should be. People were freaking the fuck out. They were going, he did, he just said it, I heard him say it. Called that man a sea bum, I heard him say it, Bob. Called the man a sea bum, Bob.
And he was shocked as well, he turned to me and went, Excuse me, what did you just call me? Put in for a penny, in for a pound, right? And I was there going, a cunt, sir. I called you a cunt. And he said, are you upset because you're trying to take my armrest? And I went, you don't know plain etiquette. Window gets an armrest and a wall. Middle gets two armrests. Isle gets an armrest and a little bit of extra leg. We're not fucking animals, we live in a society. And the people that initially hated me agreed with me, like, he is right about that, that is true. That is true. We do live in a society.
And he went, oh, I'm only taking the back of the armrest. You can have the rest of the armrest. And I went, you take the back, you take the whole fucking thing. No one gives a fuck about the front of the armrest. No one's ever gone, thanks for the front of the armrest. I said, it's not just that you're taking my armrest. Your elbow has come over the armrest and it's digging into my rib cage. And he said, well, maybe if you lost some weight. I know. I was gobsmacked, I didn't know what to fucking say. I just turned to him and went, you bitchy queen.
Now everyone on the plane has lost their fucking shit. The movie, the movie can fuck off, mate. No one's watching the fucking movie. I'm the entertainment now. The air-shooter comes running back on her walker. She comes up to us and she goes, what's going on here? And I said, I want this fucking asshole away from me. And she said, sir, this is not the situation to be swearing in. I went, yes, it is. We're having a fight. And she went, well, there's no need for name calling. I called the guy bitchy queen, so I sort of get what she's saying. And I turned to her and said, you know what, you're right.
There is never a need for name calling. But as a proud gay man myself, I feel like I've earned the right to say such words. She apologized. The gay guy knows I'm fucking lying. He's fagging the fuck out. Just. . . And the air-shooter said, can everyone calm down? What's the problem here? And he went, he's trying to take my arm rest. And the air-shooter said, everyone knows the middle gets two arm rests. And I went, see. She goes, I'm going to have to break you two up. And she points to the man and said, sir, you're going to have to find a seat at the back of the plane. I'm victorious. I stand up.
I bash my head on the thing. I pointed the man and I went, get to the back of the plane. Now, a lot of people on that plane hadn't seen the rest of the argument. All they have seen is me pointing at a black man yelling, get to the back of the plane. Things got real awkward real fucking quick. I didn't know what I'd done yet. People were yelling at me, calling me a racist. And I was like, I know, but how do you know? Then a guy threw a bag of peanuts at the back of my head and said, sit down, you limey bastard. And I was like, that's the British.
I'm Australian, you fucking racist. Which would have made a lot of sense if being British or Australian was a race and not a nationality. But at that stage, I was clutching at straws, really. So I go shit back down in his old chair. We got the empty seat between us. Me and the girl pounded out. Now, later on the flight, I'm walking up the back of the plane to the toilet. And I want to see the guy because I want to go. And I get all the way to the back of the plane. I don't see him anywhere. I'm about to go to the toilet. And then I see his leg around the corner.
There were no more seats. This is a full flight. He's sitting in the estuaries, his landing seat that folds down with a seat belt over the top like he's in a fucking go-kart. I put my head around the corner and went, no armrests here, dickhead. And the estuaries went, you get back to your seat. And I ran away like a child. So for learning, I go sit back down in his old seat. Now, the estuaries seat is taken. So she's taking my old seat in the middle. And she fucking hates me. And I'm taking both armrests, fucker.
And as we're landing, the guy over the aisle leans over and goes, excuse me, you're Jim Jefferies, right? And I'm like, yeah, man, how you doing? And he went, I had no idea you were gay. Fucking yeah, man. I like cock. .