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Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Ramani. Welcome back to this YouTube channel that takes on all things narcissistic. I'm hoping that this channel enlightens you about this rather toxic relationship pattern and gives you some tools on how to navigate these rather treacherous waters.
Today we're going to take on a very interesting question on this channel and it's going to be this idea of many people have asked me this, is there a way to let other people know that someone in your group or family or something like that is a narcissist? And this is an idea again came from people watching this these videos saying I'd really love to know is this even something that's possible? Again as always it's always helpful to hear what people's experiences are and if any of you have ever either been very successful or found an epic fail when you tried to tell other people that someone you knew was narcissistic would love to hear a little bit about that and maybe some pointers you'd have for how you do it.
But before we get on to this topic as always I invite you if you like this video please hit like. If you would like to subscribe to this channel please hit that subscribe button and if you hit that bell you'll get notifications every time we put out new content. So let's ask this question, is there actually a way you can let other people know about a narcissist in their midst? Honestly this could be the shortest video I ever made and I could say no there's not, bye.
It's a bit more subtle than that and there are a few tricks out there but overall it's very very hard to be able to call someone out in your midst as being a narcissist. Now one of the most devastating things about narcissistic abuse whether it's happening in your family, in your workplace, with a friend and obviously with your partner at some level what many people don't get and God knows it would have made a difference it would help so much if other people could see it. You'd feel less upside down of other people acknowledging this is toxic.
If even one other person got it that would be normalizing and if most people could get it then you'd probably be able to dust off get your strength and be able to do what you needed to stay healthy even if you couldn't get out of the relationship but alas that often does not happen and if you try to show other people the narcissism or the narcissistic qualities in the person in your life who is narcissistic it is more likely to backfire on you.
People might call you out as petty that you're a bad person who labels people that you're unforgiving or they may just gaslight you and people might tell you that you're too sensitive or you're the one who has the problem or better yet you're the one who's narcissistic. For so many people they aren't aware that not only can you not call out a narcissist and I have a video on that why you can't call out a narcissist you actually really can't even call them out to other people you can't call them out to themselves and you can't call them out to other people. The resistance you will encounter from other people will be quite compelling.
As a child if you came from a narcissistic family system you may have seen that things were not quite right in your family and it didn't feel good but as most kids from narcissistic family systems do you may have made excuses and justifications and rationalizations for their behavior or blamed yourself or just assumed that this was normal and this is how families are then you roll into adulthood and you may then start to become aware that yikes these patterns are actually toxic and so you might try a variety of strategies like going gray rock maybe have no contact maybe attempt to set boundaries and others in your family may call you out for what you are doing but if you make the mistake of saying hey guess what everyone mom's a narcissist that's why she is so invalidating etc etc there is a good chance that you will be called out by your family system in many different ways you might hear how could you mom endured so much pain during her own childhood and yet in her own life she still made you her priority how can you be so dismissive of an old woman etc etc it is quite likely that people in your family may have also become her flying monkeys have certainly been your parents enabler and wouldn't listen to you if you wanted because if they got it all along they would have been a better support earlier and that's the bottom line the people who already did see it did get it those were the people who were already finding little ways to support you now maybe maybe they didn't literally call your partner or your family member or whoever the narcissist in your life is maybe they didn't literally call them out as a narcissist but they found little ways to support you and saying things that led you and support you to know that they got it and knew that at a minimum they saw that that narcissistic person did not treat you well and attempted at least to uplift you the challenge really comes up when it's your partner especially when the world is telling you what a great guy you're married to what a great gal she is and you get the emotional and the psychological abuse behind closed doors when nobody's looking it can literally leave you feeling physically ill watching them put on their big show in front of colleagues at family gatherings at social events and everyone just thinking oh gosh you're so lucky what a great person you've got in your life and then knowing that you're going to have to face this narcissistic partners invalidation or wrath you probably faced it before the event and will probably face it again when you get home in many ways their two-facedness builds a wall that makes it all but impossible to shine a light on what is happening in your relationship to other people in most cases lots of people will gaslight you oh come on it can't be that bad in your relationship he's such a nice guy or what are you complaining about i wish my wife was like her it's a horrific moment because you know that your cries for help will go unheeded many people stay silent for years and even decades because they believe and honestly perhaps rightfully so that no one will understand them when they share what the narcissist has been doing to them has been saying to them and an interesting twist is that in our very materialistic world this can be even more pronounced if for some reason you have a nice home or a nice lifestyle or a nice car or you don't have to work in part because your your partner's finances or work sadly those may be the other kinds of things that other people covet so they may see your narcissistic partners being a good provider and that somehow that is supposed to negate any concerns you have about the relationship and reality check it doesn't buying you a nice necklace or a new car or a cool vacation doesn't give someone permission to psychologically abuse you if you do call your narcissistic partner out to other people you tell other people what this person your partner is really about especially if the narcissist looks good to the world you will face the unsettling experience of not being believed of being gaslighted being invalidated even more than you are or even being called ungrateful by other people unless you really have a smoking gun for example a video of them having sex with someone else or bank statements very clearly showing their financial irresponsibility or perhaps video of the narcissist physically assaulting you most people will minimize what you are experiencing as i said some of this is about maintaining their own illusions about life about their own lives about their own status quo and it's easier for them to be blind to you than to be willing to open their eyes to your narcissistic relationship and perhaps to their own and because most people do not fully understand narcissistic relationship patterns they hold on to the tired fantasy that anybody can change and no matter how difficult their personality they can change and that can then put this impossible onus on you to do the impossible which is to attempt to change the narcissist now all of this can really rear its ugly head in couples therapy if you have a couples therapist who does not understand narcissism or who sees all relationships as potentially salvageable or fixable through good communication they too may be very vulnerable to the charms of the narcissist i've worked with dozens of clients over the years who have told me that the couple's therapist totally fell for the narcissist show of charm and charisma and confidence and was unable to call their toxic patterns out when they they showed up in therapy that therapist not calling it out kept those people stuck in these marriages for years and even decades if you were to try to call the narcissist out to the therapist more often than not you would be met with concerns by many therapists that you're labeling your partner or playing armchair therapist or don't really understand what you're talking about or that you shouldn't be diagnosing your partner and many people when they hear that they feel like oh god i didn't stay in my lane i shouldn't have done that maybe i am wrong in the workplace this can be a nightmare most hr departments don't understand and don't want to hear about narcissism they tend to judge events on the basis of events they come from a risk management perspective that's very much designed to protect the company or the organization or the institution and they'll try little silly fix-its like let's do online training to address whatever patterns that the narcissist is engaging in remember narcissists may wreak havoc in the workplace and make other people's lives miserable but they can also often be very good performers their grandiosity and arrogance means that they're often very skilled salespeople they may push their employees so hard that their division does yield results even though that the poor soldiers are completely shredded and they may play underhanded games that get them the win and the promotion so the workplace may see their performance and turn their heads the other way when they hear that they're abusing other employees and because narcissistic abuse is sometimes hard to hard to detect patterns like invalidation gaslighting manipulation are all actually quite hard to document and being toxic is not something that is easy to assess for during a job interview when you hire someone what this all tells us is that it means that without documentation you're never going to be able to call a narcissist out in a workplace people will want to go to hr and talk about the chaos the manipulation the triangulation the blame shifting the toxic workplace culture and teach the hr people about narcissism do do not do it not only will the hr or other oversight group tell you that you have no right to use that label they will minimize what's happening to you especially if you don't have enough documentation and they may write you off as the problem child and as a name caller or that perhaps that you're the problem for having the audacity for calling a colleague out for being a narcissist and hr departments can hide behind walls of confidentiality so you may never find out that in fact that worker you called out as narcissistic may actually have many complaints against them in the workplace you really can never call a narcissist out the best you can do is provide documentation for every single event and be assiduous it makes your job harder because you need to keep the emails the text the voicemails ask to be able to record meetings ask for detailed minutes ensure you never meet alone with the narcissist keep detailed diaries and journals of your work to date documenting starts to feel like it's its own job but when it comes down to it the only way to call out a narcissist at work is pretty simple you don't call them out instead you provide documentation and hope for the best and i estimate that about 50 percent of the time the company will still choose to protect the narcissist and you will be the one who may very well leave the company or the organization to protect your own sanity what about in public now this is an interesting conundrum of our time we have lots of public narcissists losts those could be heads of countries heads of corporations celebrities who have large platforms and other talking heads and all those kinds of influencey type people who have the big platforms once again many people seeing their wealth and their power and their influence become their enablers many people are unable to see the pattern for what it is let me share an interesting example because it actually involves ordinary people i was reading a news story the other day which involved a very very entitled woman saying abusive things to a man that put the man in some danger and she was threatening to do things that were going to put the man at risk the news report had gathered all kinds of stories about her and they painted a picture of a combative difficult entitled poorly regulated woman who had a track record of lashing out at all kinds of people in her life i then do what i do and i jumped to the comments section of that article and i was fascinated by that by the comment section way more than i was by this silly article there were hundreds of comments and nearly half of the comments were defending the entitled woman i was just like i i i i they were saying things like people shouldn't be so mean to her we don't know her backstory maybe she just needs some compassion and love and she will change or the consequences she had to face are just too severe it's not fair to her despite the article sharing multiple instances of her bad behavior commenters still said well maybe we don't know the whole picture i shook my head it was really such an interesting striking public example of ah come on just give them a chance they didn't know what they were doing and right there that tells you why you can never call them out because if this kind of thing happens on this sort of weird public stage with half of the people making comments on even a random article are enabling this behavior it really gives fodder to why you cannot call a narcissist out to other people they will shut you down so that cuts to the original question how do you call a narcissist out to other people how do you point people and say do you see that this person is not going to be good for you or this organization or family you know how you do it you don't you let their behavior speak for itself if you slowly disengage in distance the narcissist will find a new target and that new target may be one of their enablers and when the enabler starts getting flustered you can say i hope you're okay well it's hard to watch that happen to you you okay just check in with them interestingly when you don't take that moment to accuse the narcissist of being toxic but instead plant the seed that what the narcissist did to that new target person was not okay at least with that new target person it plants a seed of doubt the new target person can't paint you as a labeler anymore and the difficult one because you're not labeling them rather they'll start paying attention maybe to the pattern but sadly this can take years now in workplaces documentation can help with close friends and family documentation can sometimes work but it requires you to not call the narcissist out directly but instead say this relationship is not good for me so i need to step away from it but i respect other people's choices and i have no place questioning those now you're still going to get pushback and people telling you that you're being rude or you're being uppity or you're being high and mighty but it makes a stronger statement self-preservation definitely makes a stronger statement than calling the narcissist out sadly the only way people finally get their final exam on narcissism and finally get it is when they finally endure narcissistic abuse themselves and interestingly i have worked with lots of folks who have experienced narcissistic abuse in adulthood got hurt and only then started to unearth their patterns from their own families so a long this is really a long video with a short punch line how do you call a narcissist out to other people you don't you give the narcissist the space they need to hurt other people because they rarely disappoint at doing that and that might be the only way the other people see it and then like so much of life experience will become the best and sadly painful teacher for their enablers so many people feel like there's no justice nobody sees what this narcissistic person is doing first of all life isn't fair okay so let's just the minute you can let go of the idea that life is just or fair it's going to make it a lot easier to manage these relationships number two it's not your job to protect everyone now i'm not talking in terms of kids kids is a different issue and we'll get to that in a parenting series but when it comes to other adults if you know that they've been enabling this person they're not going to listen to your reasoning on this so in some ways you step out of the way you stop being the human shield and you let those other people fully full-on experience this toxicity and you just sort of shrug your shoulders this is why self-preservation is so important and our sort of obsession that everyone can change and all our love of these stories of redemption listen i love redemption as much as the next person it's just that with certain personality styles it doesn't happen and it's for that reason the workplace stuff happens because they believe they can train someone to do anything you may be able to train people to do a lot of stuff the one thing you can't train them out of is their personality so short answer don't call them out but would love to hear your stories of what happened when you tried to call out the narcissist in your life what happened what was the fallout for you again i hope you enjoyed this content if you did like this video give us a thumbs up subscribe if you're enjoying this content and as always thank you bye.